As I said in the first part of this post, we have heard all of these insightful phrases designed to comfort us somehow. However, we rarely understand what they mean. At least I did not. I spent several years trying to figure out the issues I believed I had a problem with and wanted to change. But if you dismiss these as something you already know, you will not get the full value of that knowledge like I did. After learning who I am and seeing reality more clearly, I realized that I had no idea what those little bits of intense wisdom meant.
Here are the others that have had a significant impact on my path.
- Never speak badly about your former spouse – This is just a good rule to live by, and an extremely tough one. There are also issues with invalidating your child’s feelings as well. The bad outweighs any possible good, if there is any, but if your child’s experience with your former spouse is negative, you do not need to pile on. Just validate without agreeing. Which, as it turns out, is possible. Your therapist can walk you down this tight rope.
- It will be a while before you are yourself again – So as ready as you are to move on, the only way you’re going to accomplish this is to get out and have experiences. I am going through this during the quarantine from the pandemic. I am finding that although I have put in all the work to heal and improve, I still find things every day that I need to address. And I do, but I am glad that I have the opportunity to focus and find success instead of trying to rush into something. So know, you will be yourself and feel like yourself again, but be patient. A new friend of mine had some excellent insight into this process. He said one of the most surprising things after his divorce was his issues before the marriage returned. Do the work. Get out of your comfort zone, and push yourself to grow.
- Everything is going to be ok – Faith is the one that everyone says, and they are right, but it’s all about faith. And the cool thing is, faith is not necessarily about religion. It would help if you had faith that soon, it will all be good again in some undetermined amount of time. This, too, shall pass. The Sun is Rising (Britt Nicole) says it best. There is a fog all around you, and you cannot see the future. Have faith in yourself, your family, and your friends that soon you will be able to see your life again. And the best part is, it’s what you want and how you want it. Just hang on and have faith. And remember, many people have gone through this, including me. You WILL be alright.
- This divorce does not define you – It does not matter what happens during this time, financial hardship, losing your job, losing loved ones during this time, your divorce, all of it is temporary, and all of it will pass. I know, all of these happened to me at once. None of this is you! Remember, It’s not important what happened. What is important is what you do next.
- You have so much to offer – Every person has so much to offer. Find your passion and share it. Helping others is one of the most healing activities in which we can participate. No matter how hard it gets, you are valuable, and you have something that can help someone else, always.
There is a lot to this work! It is challenging and enriching work. There will be days when you discover some of the things you could improve on from your past life and days when you learn how to do something that makes your life so much easier! Please put in the work, and find someone that will work with you! There were multiple places you can go to get help. Find it!
Ben Marshall
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