Divorce: A Perfect time to chart a new course. Sounds good but how?

When the realization takes hold that your marriage has run its course it is ok to move on. It is an opportunity to move ahead, sort out your priorities and find happiness. Sounds good, but how do you do this when you feel stuck and have no idea where to start?

Mindfulness is a great place to start. Mindfulness is a mental state of being conscious or aware of the present moment, while acknowledging and accepting your thoughts, feelings and emotions. The good news is there is no right or wrong way to think or feel in a given moment. The key is to focus on the moment at hand without judgement or rehashing your past. Research has shown that practicing mindfulness yields physical, psychological and social benefits. It can increase positive thoughts and emotions while reducing negative thinking and stress levels. You may be thinking ok, but do I need to climb a mountain in Tibet and assume the lotus pose? You could but there are many simpler options that are easier to learn. It is not difficult but requires a bit of patience and practice. One of the keys is to realize that your thoughts and emotions are usually short lived and do not define who you are. Recognizing your negative thinking is the first step to replacing it with positive alternatives. This can be accomplished by making the time to do the things you enjoy while being in the moment or present. Sitting on the beach in a beach chair under an umbrella wiggling your toes in the sand is a wonderful experience that can be elevated to a higher level by being in the present moment and fully noticing and enjoying the sand, waves and sky. Sitting there while thinking of what you did wrong, or the bills you forgot to pay is less beneficial but still helpful overall. Other simple practices are also effective and can be done in a few minutes. Examples include listening to music, reading, having a cup of tea, or playing with your dog or cat. They key is to do it with as few distractions as possible. I promise it is not difficult to learn.

Another strategy I promote in my coaching is tuning in to what you are grateful for. Given a choice of grumpy or grateful which would you choose? Gratitude can be for large things, family, health, employment, or smaller things like indoor plumbing, a comfortable bed and food in the fridge. Think of three things quickly that you are grateful for and see if it lifts your mood. It certainly is a good start! It is important to understand the goal is not mastery but rather taking small steps forward and breaking the inertia. This results in a positive shift in perspective and will point you in the right direction. Keep it simple, there id no need to complicate the process.

One other important and often overlooked area is self-care or doing the things to nurture yourself during and after your divorce. Good health practices become more critical during times of stress and divorce ranks near the top of the stressful event list. Eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep and taking time for yourself to relax and unwind are a few examples. Again, the goal is not perfection but forward progress.

Try it for yourself and please post your results on the blog. I look forward to hearing what you accomplished.

Robert M. Bilsker, M.S. CDC

Certified Divorce Coach
www.bilskercoaching.com

bob@bilskercoaching.com

Previous

Next

Submit a Comment

Dreams Recycled